Girl Power: You are Enough - The Manifesto

As I sit here with tears filling my eyes, I thought it would be best to channel these emotions into a blog post as opposed to just sitting and dwelling on what is eating away at me.

I have not written in a while. And I apologize for that. I have missed blogging very much and I think about it every so often wishing I had the time, but this summer session has been all consuming. Thankfully, in just two short weeks it will be over! Then I have 2-3 weeks off which will feel like heaven. Because I'll be honest, this semester has been draining and I feel as though now it is just beginning to suck the life and soul out of me...not to be dramatic or anything. But in all seriousness, 9 credits in 9 weeks plus dealing with invisible illnesses and starting a new job, it has been a lot on my shoulders. A heavy load that I cannot wait to drop even for a short period of time.

Today was a good day. Sunny and beautiful. My sister is home from college, so it is the whole family reunited once again. We spent a good hour out on the water having fun. But instead of feeling happy, a wave of sadness came washing over me...it started slowly, then came crashing all at once.

It started when I tried on a bathing suit. I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw - and that is being generous. I am refraining from what I really want to say about how I thought I looked. I turned to each side, examining my stomach bulging and what I thought to be cellulite on the back of my legs. I saw my breasts hang out of the bikini top, and I cringed. I changed my bathing suit multiple times, trying to get a perfect match of top and bottom - one that gave me enough coverage and made me look slim as possible. But of course I wasn't satisfied. The entire time spent on the water was me being conscious of my stomach, always aware to be sucking it in. I was worried about what my family might think. They have seen me at my lowest and sickest weight, what do they think now??

But it was mostly me that was dissatisfied. I went into my apartment to get out of my bathing suit and did another quick examine before throwing on a big tee shirt covering the top of my thighs. I crawled into bed as my eyes filled with tears.

How could I let myself go?

I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I want to be thin and healthy and beautiful. Rather, I want to feel thin and healthy and beautiful. There is part of me that is mourning my eating disorder. No, I was never completely happy with how I looked when I was deeply entrenched in eating disorder behaviors, but I could take comfort in knowing I was at least underweight, even if to me, it didn't look like it. But here I am - in a body that I am not used to, that I am not comfortable in. And it is hard. Not going to lie, it hurts like hell sometimes.

But I can't go back to that. I cannot starve myself again. I have gained so much since I have started actually engaging in recovery. I found love, I repaired my relationship with my parents, I grew in my relationship with my sisters, I fell in love with a puppy who is my world and I am hers, and I went back to school and channeled my focus and energy on learning new things.

I am not the same person who I once was.

The only thing I can work on is doing good things for my body. I can go to yoga when I feel able, eat healthy foods, drink water, and rest in knowing that my weight will fall where it is supposed to be. That is no easy task for anyone with an eating disorder, but what choice do I have, really?

My sister brought home a coffee mug and gave it to me this afternoon, and I am looking at it through glassy eyes; tears are welling up yet again as I read the message written on the mug. This mug sends a powerful message, one that I need right about now. It reads:

"Girl Power. You are enough. I promise not to be an asshole to myself. Hell, I promise to love myself. I will remember that my self-worth is not based on what I look like, how much I weigh, how many followers I have, or any other stupid crap that has nothing to do with who I am. I will empower other girls and women. I will be kind. Fiercely kind. I will have a sense of humor. I will do my best not to gossip, create drama, or judge others (or myself). I will remember that just because I have a bad day, doesn't mean that I have a bad life. And even on the crappiest days, I will remember this:
                                                             I Am Enough."

I can't wait to wake up every morning to this message.



Comments

  1. Hello, I was wondering if i could share the link to some of your posts on our ME (and other chronic illnesses) awareness page on fb called WakeUp to the Problem.me.cfs. I know our followers would love to read your experiences and this would take them right to your blog. Either way just let me know. Thank you, Suzanne

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    1. Absolutely! Thank you for reading 🙂

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